Long seasons and short corners

Shirt numbers – No number should go higher than 99. This rule must be introduced following the controversy when Trent Alexander-Arnold, playing for Liverpool in the English Premier League, had a 6 accidentally added to his regular number 66 and consequently received weeks of “social media” hate male from Christian fundamentalists, plus his children were bullied at school.

Snot – Snot must go. Any player seen putting his finger to his nose and snorting out the contents at the exact moment that a camera has moved in for a close-up shall be handed a yellow card and ten minutes in a “sin bin”, with tissues. Any player rising from a tackle and able to show snot on his person shall be sent to the technical area for disinfecting.  Ground staff will quickly spray the danger area on the pitch and his team will be awarded a free kick.

Shirt appeals  – Supporters entering a ground with a placard appealing for a player’s shirt must sign a waiver pledging not to sue if subsequently falling ill to a dangerous disease should they be lucky, or unlucky, enough to be handed a snot-tainted jersey.

Bras – Why do many men players wear brassieres under their shirts now?

Fixture congestion – Top international and club players complain that playing every three days is too tiring. FIFA and UEFA carry on regardless, expanding the 2025 UEFA Champions League from 125 matches to 189 (excluding qualifying rounds), by expanding the 2025 FIFA Club World Cup from seven teams to 32, though it will be held only every four years instead of annually, and the 2026 World Cup will likewise grow to 48 teams from 32. Some national leagues have introduced end-of-season play-offs for promotion spots.. All these expansions and new tournaments are creating more and more stress on players’ bodies. Still, when you are earning enough moolah to buy another house every week, or a super-duper Ferrari, at least that’s some compensation.

“Dramatic” penalty shoot-outs –  Some idiot somewhere suggested doing away with 30 minutes of extra time after a 90-minute knock-out draw and going instead straight to “dramatic” penalty shoot-outs. The Budapest Times has a better idea. Let’s replace 90-minute matches altogether by an immediate “dramatic” penalty-shoot with 10 shots per side. The advantages are huge (all that stuff about fixture congestion and player fatigue) and barely need to be gone into here. Who needs a full game when you can have a “dramatic” shoot-out (all penalty shoot-outs are described as dramatic in the press next day), plus fans won’t need to fork out for over-priced stadium hot dogs, chips and cola.

Real Madrid – Fully revealed themselves in the 2024-25 season as “to the manner born”, spitting their imperial dummy when decisions and results went against their majestic selves. Their results in particular failed to reach lofty expectations. Look no further than when Real Madrid TV demanded that the referee chosen for their Copa Del Rey final versus Barcelona in April be changed because he was “biased” against the saintly men in white. The substituted defender Antonio Rudiger actually threw ice at the ref from the technical area as his team was crashing to defeat and he had to be restrained by several staff. Eyes flaring, he clearly wanted to do the official great harm. Subsequently the German international apologised for his out-of-control and got a ban. Luckily for him, the ban will be served while he is out injured anyway. In such cases, kneecapping is recommended.

Derby games – Really, hoow can players care much about derby matches when they have no connection to the city in which they are signed. If you come from Cameroon, Egypt, Uzbekistan or wherever, or even Portugal, Norway or Germany, for instance, it’s surely difficult to be fully committed in a Manchester United versus Manchester City or AC Milan versus Inter Milan match, or similar. See “Nationalities” below.

Thumbs-ups – When a colleague sends you an impossible pass, don’t give a thumbs-up. Shake your fist violently and mouth an insult.

Short corners – Without mathematical or scientific back-up we estimate that a corner straight into the box has a 50-50 chance of being won by the attacking team and thus getting into the net. Short corners fiddle around for two or three passes before finally getting into the box or they stand a 75 per cent chance of being defended and never getting into the box at all. Are players so fixated on thinking that a short corner will give them some sort of advantage when most of the time they are just a wasted opportunity?

Women’s football – Very nice at times but, sorry, likely to remain a mildly attractive adjunct to the stronger, more skilful men’s game. Feminists please direct hate mail to the Editor.

Hungarian football – Last and least but, hey, it’s a small country, and skills do seem to have improved in the past few years, as they desperatel needed to. As suggested in the earlier Ron Knee column, Viktor Orbán should have had immediate election to FIFA and UEFA boards with free world travel, first-class hotels and an attractive lady “secretary” for services to stadium building, but unfortunately nothing happened.

In 2021, Mr Knee made some other suggestions to push football to the limit and bring it into the next century, but again few have been followed up, so again he demands:

Tattoos: All players to have fully covered arms, legs and necks.

Sackings: Any manager booted out more than three times in a season to be barred from the game. Any manager who says “We will learn from this 10-0 defeat” to be taken out and shot, plus barred from the game.

Acting lessons: All players to receive to improve instruction in tumbling, rolling in “agony”, etc.

Tunnels: Players must not fraternise before games. Snarling and jostling must replace laughs and hugs.

Running tracks: All pitches surrounded by these, thus pushing fans many metres from the expensive action, to be banned (even if “dramatic” penalty shoot-outs replace the full game). Paris Saint-Germain is a prime example.

Wagging a finger left to right, right to left at the referee: Insolent. Instant red card.

“False” 9: Explanation needed. What is it? Don’t mystify the fans. After, all we don’t have “false goalkeepers”. Or do we? Similarly “the press” – this simply seems to be a trendy phrase for “defending”.

Managerial spitting: Must be banned in the technical area. Managers don’t run, why spit?

Artificial crowd noise: Very valuable in the pandemic, should have been continued.

Nationalities: Clubs should no longer be referred to as “English” or “Spanish” or wherever unless they have at least one player of their own nationality.

Praying: Ban it. God doesn’t have time to deal with football matches (to His/Her loss).

Raised arms at corners: Yes, we can see you are about to kick the ball over. Or is it a carefully worked-out secret sign? Probably not. Unnecessary. Ban it.

Walls: Any cowardly player who turns his back when a free kick is taken should receive a three-game ban. Hands banned from covering genitals.

Rotating pitchside advertising: The most useless invention known to Man, but don’t tell advertisers this. All grounds must have it.

Hysterical managers who won’t stay within “technical” areas: Barbed wire recommended.

Players “geeing up” the crowd: Stupid

Ridiculous goal celebrations, particularly those involving manic squad members: Fu—–

At this point Ron is complaining of a bad headache and has gone to lie down.